The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapmanthis book is a tool through which the author, gary chapman, can play out his jesus-complex disguised as a relationship self-help book. there are references from the bible throughout almost every chapter and gary likes to include generous praise from his clients who call him a miracle worker. its damn-near pretty close to being called god.
the book has all the hallmarks of a bestseller: easy to read (i read it in one day); hopeless circumstances that seem beyond repair; and an uplifiting ending. the more bestsellers i read, the more i realize that the formula for mainstream media isnt just used in music and movies, its used in books, too. ugh, how annoying. i admit, i was almost sold on it, too. the author used just the right amount of despair and at the appropriate moments, instilled hope for a better future. and while hope isnt bad at all, the book lacks in addressing the complexity of relationships as well as the diversity of relationships in todays world. for example, this book may not translate well in multicultural relationships that are dictated by a whole different set of mores and values. also, i wonder how it would be relevant to queer couples or polyamourous relationships. its quite apparent that this book is meant for hetero-white-christian-monogamous couples.
but the one major caveat of this book that isnt so much a caveat as a poorly disguised advocate of misogyny, is the case of a woman who has been abused (what type of abuse has been perpetrated isnt made explicit and garys reluctance to do so makes me suspicious of how the church deals with issues of domestic violence). garys advice? dismiss any of your own feelings of discomfort (being used for sex) and have sex with your husband as an act of love and hope that he will reciprocate that love. and what i dont understand is how people have overlooked this, even people who are in the psychology field. thats one thing he doesnt really address, how to identify your limits and make compromises. if you cant see the problem with this picture, i pray you never get married. or have a relationship. or speak to people.
the gender roles in this book are fucking archaic. theres this little section where gary talks about the gender differences in sexual desire. according to him, these differences are all physiologically based. men simply have more tension built-up as a result of massive sperm generation whereas women dont, and that is why women dont crave sex the way men do. instead, women only want sex if their men meet their emotional needs. what, do men not need to have their emotional needs met? are they really just fucking animals who want to empty their over-spermed dicks? why dont they just jack off into a toilet for crying out loud? oops, am i not supposed to mention masturbation in the presence of god? and gary makes women seem like fucking prudes from the latest harlequin romance, the christian edition. gag. this man has very little knowledge of couples outside the realm of christian folklore.
his section on physical touch made me laugh. i wasnt sure if the lame attempts at humor were to assuage his own discomfort or that of his audience. yes, gary, people have sex. i understand that when you tell me to rub my partners leg with my foot that i should make sure im not rubbing the dog. harhar.
to be fair, he touched on the basic fundamentals of communication with your partner, but i can hardly call this book revolutionary. his book on the five languages of love for children sound more useful just because the developmental stage they are in matches the dumbed-down tone of the book. youd think he was writing for couples who were born in a vaccuum.
im so over reading new york times bestsellers. weve been brainwashed into accepting that the typical mainstream formula is quality literature. i prefer real talk to fluffy shit, thank you.
Decode Your Partner’s Love Language
I couldn't believe he just uttered those words. I was shocked to silence when he first spat that out at me. I looked around in disbelief that he could actually feel that way. I looked around at the janky old apartment in Jersey City above my mother in law, mind you , that I agreed to move into for him from my beloved city of Manhattan so he'd be close to school for his needed prerequisites. I looked at the bin of freshly washed laundry done so he'd not have to worry about having bright white shirts ready for work, and I looked at my non-existent workspace since he has the entire office to himself….
This dilution of the word has caused confusion on what the action of love actually resembles. Showing love is vastly different than saying love. I tell Selena I love her at least a few times each day — but the phrase has very little bearing on whether or not she feels loved. I also show Selena I love her by kissing her. Nothing fills her love-bucket like a devoted day together — free from distraction and diversion. If I give her a kiss or tell her I love her after a day together, she knows it and she feels it. Once learned, it then becomes our glad obligation to speak their language regularly.
To speak my husband's love language and, in the process, allow him to help me rediscover one of mine. Any couple who has been married for longer than five minutes will tell you that communication is one of the tricks to having a happy, healthy relationship. But the nuances of how to successfully communicate with your spouse are often more elusive. Gary Chapman , the language of Physical Touch is about much more than just marital intimacy. Instead, this language is about hugs and kisses, hand-holding, and comforting pats on the back. For a type A, perfectionist wife and mother like myself, being present and available is something I have a hard time consistently doing for my husband.
I know that is not my primary love language. If you are regularly doing acts of service for others, this may be your love language. If you are consistently verbally affirming people, then Words of Affirmation is likely your love language. Your complaints reveal your inner desires. If you have difficulty remembering what you complain about most often, I suggest that you ask your spouse.